Precipice

There are times in your life when you're faced with a large step to advance something you've always dreamed about. These precipices (preci....pi?) live somewhere in between complete happiness and devastating anxiety and never seem to lay anywhere in between. Doesn't that suck? I mean, don't get me wrong, the thrill is incredible. Exhilarating in a way that cannot be matched but at the same time it is completely draining and leaves you to the point of sheer exhaustion from the tug of war.

The tension of opposites that is fighting inside - almost Robert Louis Stevenson like - has been my eternal struggle for the last six years of working in the arts. On one hand you have the primal commitments to family, friends, and bettering your small town community; and on the other hand you have the desires of money, recognition, and consistent work in a big market. How do you reconcile these two personas inside of an artist? How does the right cooperate with the left? Ultimately, is one sacrificed to feed the beast of the other?

I'm very proud of the work I've done the last two and half years in building an arts community in my home town with other talented and passionate artists, but part of me feels like I'm cheating by pursuing bigger markets while envisioning their emerald skylines and magnetic pulse. On the other side, I'm extremely proud of the work I've done in bigger markets that, with their natural exposure, have offered critical work into a larger tapestry and ultimately, I feel, some days, that I'm cheating myself out of an opportunity to be a more consistent piece if that larger tapestry. 

I've spent the last year really kicking the tires on grad school or moving to another adventure. I've also considered moving to the bigger market down the street (Philly) and maintaining my work in Reading - because there really is something special about bringing professional theatre to a town that is devoid of it's existence. This later option seems to be what I always do - find the balance. I guess that's the Libra in me but is that happiness? Is that what I actually want? 

It's interesting that in heightened emotional moments, and their immediate fallout, how certain we all seem to be in the next step. I recently had a really rough night where someone I trust had too much to drink and used both of my artistic personas as a weapon against me. Afterwards,  I was so certain that the right thing to do was moving and leaving them, and all of it, behind. Maybe go be a cop or a high school janitor - who knows? Now, I don't know if it is the right answer. Right now I'm a little broken and my fault lines are exposed.

...Interesting... Time to go create. 

**If you have any thoughts or feelings you'd like to share please feel free to comment or drop me a DM! My inbox and wall are always open. **